Larry Flynt

Larry Flynt.com > Asshole Of The Month

Ted Cruz

In the proud tradition of our very own Graffilthy, let’s kick off this crapfest with a verse cribbed from a shithouse stall: “Here I sit, my buns a flexin’. Just gave birth to another Texan!” The Lone Star Stater this time is the Tea Party pile we like to call Turd Cruz.

Now brace yourselves for a shock: We’re actually going to give crusty ol’ loser John McCain some props for nailing Cruz and his fellow Tea Party thugs Rand Paul and Justin Amash in a TV interview as “wacko birds.” That’s the great thing about dementia: Sometimes it lets the truth come out. What McCain should have added is that Cruz is a wacko by design—a cold, calculating opportunist spoonfeeding fanatical dogma to the GOP’s hardline fringe.

Just about everything about this guy is a lie. He likes to play the good ol’ boy gone up to War-shin-tin to kick some ass around, but Texas is only where he got his Ph.D. in douchebaggery. Like droolin’ Dubya Bush, Cruz is actually an Ivy League one-percenter. Born in Canada, he was groomed for power at Princeton and Harvard. He honed his forked tongue as a college debater, learning to say anything—even outright falsifications—to win no matter which side he was on.

Logically, Cruz was drawn to the lawyer profession like a blowfly to roadkill. He was one of the legal goons Bush sent to Florida during the 2000 recount fiasco that led to the worst American presidency of all time. For that reason alone, Cruz should be considered for Asshole of the Decade. Sidenote: Cruz’s wife, Heidi, is a Goldman Sachs banker. So much for Cruz’s outsider myth.

During his legal career, Turd specialized in defending morally reprehensible causes: He made sure Texas could execute foreign nationals who weren’t even allowed to contact their consulate before being charged with capital crimes. He defended cutthroat companies that had no qualms about ripping off patented inventions and firing whistleblowers. Through it all, he never tired of spouting about the land of opportunity and success at all costs being what “freedom” is all about.

But, despite Cruz’s being the son of a Cuban immigrant, his idea of freedom and opportunity doesn’t include the Dream Act, which would give immigrant children a path to citizenship. Cruz is against it. Maybe he wants immigrants to prove they can be as heartless a dreamcrusher as he is before they be allowed to share his twisted idea of the American Dream. Need we even mention that Cruz, like most residents of the distant past, is scared stiff of gays, to the point of hating on gay-pride paraders? Maybe Heidi should speculate on what that obsession might mean.

Hitching his wagon to the brain-dead Tea Party because who the fuck else would want him, Cruz is a nasty cocktail of hard-right fanaticism and utter lack of charm that’s turning into a huge gift for the Democrats. They’re quickly realizing that all they have to do is give this throwback enough rope to hang himself with.

Apparently blanking on how badly Romney shot himself in the foot with his propaganda that “47%” of the population is “dependent on government” and “believe they are victims,” Cruz resurrected his own party’s worst nightmare— months after the election—by equating the 47% of people who pay no federal income tax with the much smaller number who actually get government checks.

Cruz even elaborated—something a shitty liar should never try to do—by implying that his “dependent” group was all single moms, blacks and Hispanics. At this point, only Tea Partiers holding racist, misspelled signs still swallow that crap. You gotta feel for the GOP functionaries trying to put the wheels back on their party. In marketing speak, Cruz is an epic rebranding fail.

There may well be a genetic component to Cruz’s anti-intellectual fervor. His dad went from being a bombthrower for Cuba’s Communist icon Fidel Castro to rampant pro-capitalist entrepreneur to fire-and-brimstone preacher. Turd obviously inherited Pop’s fanatical fundamentalist DNA. Maybe that’s why he keeps fighting yesterday’s battles. He can’t let go of the “47%” dogma; he still harps on about repealing “Obamacare,” which even most Obama haters know ain’t gonna happen; and extols just about every one of his obstructionist antics as “a stand for principle.”

Cruz’s most nauseating spectacle may have been his public humiliation of secretary of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel. If you want to go back in time, watch the YouTube video. It’s vintage Joe McCarthy, the bully who led the Red Scare witch-hunt of the ’50s that made a mockery of American freedom. Cruz’s baseless suggestion that Hagel took payoffs from North Korea has become a classic in the annals of WTF politics.

Freshman Senator Cruz’s self-righteousness has already made him one of the most hated members among fellow lawmakers. During a debate about guns, he flashed back to his schoolboy days as an amateur Constitutional debater and smugly lectured longtime senators on the Bill of Rights according to his absolutist interpretation. Senator Dianne Feinstein shot back, “I’m not a sixth-grader.”

Like McCarthy, Cruz is more than a hypocrite and a dangerous ideologue. He’s the kind of regressive roadblock that takes two steps back every time our country takes one step forward. He just doesn’t get today’s America. And he doesn’t get that the Constitution is a living document, not a dead Bible.

“2014 has the potential to be a very, very good year at the ballot box,” the oblivious Turd recently told a gaggle of archconservatives. “The number-one way we can screw it up is if Republicans fail to stand on principle.”

Our appeal to the Republican Party is this: Please listen to Turd Cruz and choose him as your Presidential candidate for 2016, eligible or not. We can’t wait to see Hillary Clinton have wacko bird for breakfast.

Tags:

Comments are closed.

larry flynt's book