Larry Flynt

Posts Tagged ‘Asshole Of The Month’

MIKE HUCKABEE

Wednesday, November 10th, 2010

from HUSTLER Magazine September 2010

That can we say about a guy who fries squirrels in a popcorn popper? Well, as it turns out, we can say plenty more about the Republican, whose tenure as governor of Arkansas still causes a stink.

Aside from his squirrel-popping revelation, the Fox TV talk-show host admits that he likes to shoot animals. Okay, a lot of people like to hunt. But check out what he told one NRA group: “I’m pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in Heaven, and I can’t wait!”

How odd. To Huckabee, Heaven is a place where you kill things. Not what most people think of when contemplating the Pearly Gates. And he was a Baptist preacher?!

But Mike isn’t the only one in the Huckabee family who likes to kill critters. While he was governor of the Razorback State, his son David was accused of torturing and hanging a stray dog. Daddy defended the boy, who was 17 at the time, by saying, “There was a dog that apparently had mange and was absolutely, I guess, emaciated.”Well, okay then, who wouldn’t hang an emaciated dog by the neck, slit its throat and then stone it for good measure? We’ll bet that David believes Heaven is filled with dead puppies.

Although Mike Huckabee denies any wrongdoing in regard to the foregoing, John Bailey claims the governor fired him as head of the Arkansas State Police for refusing to cover up David’s crime. I.C. Smith, the former FBI chief in Little Rock, confirmed that Huckabee interfered in the investigation.

Also while serving as governor, Huckabee was accused of dipping into public funds. Investigated 16 times and cited five times by the Arkansas Ethics Commission, Huckabee is said to have pocketed $112,000 under questionable circumstances in 1999. He also claimed $70,000 worth of furniture at the governor’s mansion upon leaving office in 2007. Moreover, he is said to have spent state funds on boat fuel, clothing alterations, dry cleaning, pantyhose, a doghouse and other non-jobrelated items. And let’s not forget the personal use of State Police aircraft as transportation for Huckabee and his family.

Regarding the furniture at the governor’s mansion, Huckabee agreed to leave it behind due to public outrage. But guess what? By the time he and his family moved out, the furniture had magically disappeared!

You think that’s bad? How about this? In Arkansas it’s illegal for a departing governor to accept more than $100 in gifts from appreciative citizens (or political benefactors). So what did Mike do? He and his wife, Janet, skirted the law by setting up bridal registries at several retail outlets for $7,000 in housewares and $1,000 in gift cards. In case you’re confused, the answer is yes, the couple had already been married more than 30 years.

Huckabee, it should be noted, was good at lining his own pockets even before he became governor of Arkansas. As lieutenant governor he made $61,000 delivering speeches to a nonprofit organization called Action America.

Now get this: Huckabee founded Action America! And it’s not at all clear that it has ever donated a penny to anyone else. However, none of the preceding qualifies him as an Asshole. He’s garnered that award thanks to his extreme and farfetched opinions. Among those, nothing tops his denial of evolution and belief that Adam and Eve were real people.

What we know about the rest of Huckabee’s religious views is limited. Apparently, just like the information stored on the hard drives that were destroyed at his behest when he left the governor’s office, Huckabee’s old sermons are nowhere to be found. But according to Mother Jones magazine, here’s what Huckabee said during a failed run for the U.S. Senate in 1992: “Homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk.”

He went on to say that AIDS victims should be isolated and that he’s against spending government money in search of a cure. His asinine proposal? “An alternative would be to request that multimillionaire celebrities, such as Elizabeth Taylor, Madonna and others who are pushing for more AIDS funding, be encouraged to give…increased amounts for AIDS research.” In other words, let the fags die.

However, in terms of pure ugliness, nothing compares to Huckabee’s just plain stupid, insensitive and unforgivable decision, while governor, to secure the parole of serial rapist and self-confessed murderer Wayne DuMond. DuMond, whom Huckabee claimed had gotten a “raw deal…and hadn’t been treated fairly,” was a real piece of work. One victim testified that DuMond held a butcher knife to her throat while he raped her and that he threatened to come back and rape and kill the woman’s three-year-old daughter, who’d been asleep in bed beside her during the assault, if she told anyone.

DuMond’s crimes also included helping beat a man to death with a claw hammer, but Governor Huckabee released him anyway because the prisoner claimed to have been “born again.” And maybe because one of the rape victims, a 17-year-old, was a distant cousin of Bill Clinton, who, as Arkansas governor, had previously denied DuMond’s release. In fact, Huckabee pardoned or reduced the sentences of 1,033 prisoners, including 12 murderers—twice as many as his three predecessors combined! He seemed especially inclined to free cons who claimed to be bornagain Christians, played in a prison band or worked in the governor’s mansion.

Perhaps most of those who’d been released went legit, but DuMond went on to rape and kill two more women. And before being gunned down himself, Maurice Clemmons—whose sentence had also been commuted by the religious zealot—was the only suspect in the 2009 slayings of four police officers in Washington State. All those murders stain Huckabee’s hands.

Finally, it would be wrong not to mention that the former fatty, who penned the book Quit Digging Your Grave With a Knife and Fork, is once again gaining weight—a lot of weight! (But not as much as his son, David.) If Mike Huckabee doesn’t get it under control soon, we won’t have to worry about him being a Presidential nominee in 2012. , Asshole!


REP. MICHELE BACHMANN

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

Asshole of the Month from HUSTLER MAGAZINE March 2010

God, she’s stupid! There are breadsticks with a higher IQ than Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota). But, honestly, if you’re into older women, she is very fuckable. Not warm and fuzzy “I love you” fuckable. More like boundgagged- and-hooked-up-to-an- Accu-Jack fuckable. And ya know, Michele probably needs a good fuck because her husband certainly doesn’t look up to the task. We’re not saying Dr. Marcus Bachmann is gay, but he sure comes across as a flaming queen. Poor Michele.

Lack of sex could explain why she is so totally and completely head-banging- against-the-wall crazy. Spend your entire life thinking sex is only for procreation, and we guarantee you’ll hear God talking to you too.

You know about that God thing, right? Bachmann claims that Jehovah told her to run for the U.S. Congress. She also suggested that the swine flu is some kind of Democratic conspiracy, that Obama wants to destroy America and that the people of Minnesota should be “armed and dangerous on the issue of the energy tax.” If you can say things like that, you almost have to be hearing voices in your head.

But let’s step back and consider Michele Bachmann on the merits. Wait! There are no merits! Only a string of ignorant and/or insane positions going all the way back to 1993, when she and other parents established the New Heights Charter School in Stillwater, Minnesota.

Bachmann very well might have been hearing voices back then too. At the publicly funded school she supported the teaching of Creationism (a belief system that disregards scientific facts). Guess Bachmann didn’t think it important to maintain the separation of Church and State.Thankfully, the taxpayers did, and she was pressured to resign from the charter school’s board of directors.

More dustups with reality followed. In 2003, while serving as a state senator, Bachmann proposed a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. (It was defeated then and again when it resurfaced in 2004 and 2005.) Her church, part of the Evangelical Lutheran Synod, apparently believes that the Catholic pope is the antichrist. And Bachmann herself has accused fellow lawmakers of being anti-American.

Here are her exact words: “I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-American or anti-American?”

You understand, of course, that when Bachmann says “anti-American,” she’s referring to people who do not share her rabid, Biblethumping, empty-headed, extreme right-wing point of view. Those people include Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and even President Barack Obama.

Let us point something out to this befuddled religious zealot: Attacking policies of a previous administration—say George W. Bush’s, for example— does not mean you are anti-American. It means you oppose invading a country for no justified reason (Iraq) and trashing our Constitutional safeguards (the USA PATRIOT Act). Actually, if you get right down to it, what could be more anti- American than gutting the Constitution?

Meanwhile, Bachmann has declared war on sanity. When she suggested that the citizens of Minnesota should be “armed and dangerous,” she also mentioned: “Thomas Jefferson told us, ‘Having a revolution every now and then is a good thing’ and the people—We the People— are going to have to fight back hard if we’re not going to lose our country.”

Oops! Guess we’ve answered the question about what could be more anti-American than gutting the Constitution: calling for armed revolution against our government! That is exactly what Bachmann is advocating.

Here’s what Bachmann’s rightwing followers must understand: She may start out with a basic fact, something that is happening and should be of concern. Then, after compressing it down to its most simplistic form, she throws some wacky, double-think spin on it.

Take healthcare reform. Bachmann called the public option “a government takeover of healthcare” that would “squeeze out private insurance.” In reality, only a small percentage of people would be eligible for a public option, and private insurers have nothing to fear. Obama’s reform package is actually a financial bonanza for the healthcare industry.

Bachmann is apparently too stupid or too confused to grasp what’s going on, much less figure out any subtlety. Or the congresswoman is intentionally misleading her constituents. Either way, she needs an intervention. You shouldn’t yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater. And you shouldn’t yell “Revolution!” without just cause. Those who do such things need to be hospitalized, educated or taken off the stage— in Bachmann’s case, by the voters.

As part of Michele’s desperately needed treatment, maybe her husband could step up to the plate. Your wife needs a good pounding, Marcus! Clear out her tubes so she can start to think clearly.We know it’ll take time for Michele to regain her reasoning skills, but with help and compassion she might eventually be able to dress herself and utter a coherent thought.

Until then, the people of Minnesota are represented by an Asshole who is spreading her poisonous lies throughout the country.

——————————————

HUSTLER Magazine - March 2010You may purchase the hard copy of the March 2010 Issue of HUSTLER Magazine (with free shipping) at HustlerMagazine.com. Comes with full length DVD and free shipping!

You may purchase a digital copy of the March 2010 Issue of HUSTLER Magazine at UnderCoverMags.com.


Rick Perry

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

Rick Perry

Rick Perry

To describe Texas Governor Rick Perry as snarky, scheming and slimy is being nice. Totally lacking in morals or even a sense of shame, this well-connected Republican will do virtually anything (no matter how repugnant) to curry favor with Big Business— and to line his own bank account.

Perry’s latest bit of insanity? Trying to force all 11- and 12-year-old girls in the Lone Star State to be inoculated with the human papillomavirus (HPV) vaccine Gardasil. Now don’t get us wrong: Preventing strains of the virus that causes genital warts and can manifest into deadly cervical cancer is commendable. But was the true motivation behind Perry’s executive order to safeguard his young constituents? Fat chance. It was to suck Merck & Co.’s big corporate dick.

Merck, the vaccine’s manufacturer, always seems to be popping up somewhere, whether snuggling up to the GOP (case in point) or using public relations firms to cover up its alleged complicity in the deaths of thousands of Americans. (Merck’s arthritis drug Vioxx was recalled in 2004 after being linked to numerous fatal heart attacks.) Its big Texas push for Gardasil seems likely to precipitate yet another major pharmaceutical scandal.

How can we be so sure that Democrat turned- Republican Perry is in Merck’s pocket? Let’s count the ways: One of the governor’s former chiefs of staff worked for the company and was allegedly paid $250,000 just to lobby Gardasil to the Texas legislature. The motherin- law of Perry’s current chief of staff has also been pinned to Merck’s HPV lobbying network.

But we’re not finished: The three-injection vaccine comes with a bountiful $120-per-shot price tag, which isn’t covered by most health insurance providers, possibly because Gardasil ran into problems in the testing phase that went conveniently underreported. In fact, doubts have since abounded regarding the vaccine’s actual effectiveness, not to mention its potential long-term side effects. Adding insult to injury, Perry is opposed to universal healthcare coverage, which, theoretically, could cover the cost. Hey, Slick Rick, answer us this: Are you asking Texans to pay your corporate cronies $360 per child so Merck can experiment on them?

Although the Texas legislature threw a speed bump in front of his executive order, Perry still insists that mandating the Merck vaccine “makes good economic sense.” Yeah, you know what really made economic sense to Perry? Merck donated thousands of dollars to his 2006 reelection campaign. Anybody want to bet that Perry doesn’t go to work for the pharmaceutical giant after he retires from politics?

Even Perry’s conservative Christian following is pissed about his actions. While opposing abortion rights and stem-cell research, the governor is championing a vaccine for a sexually transmitted disease. Yep, as God-fearing Christians see it, this supposedly religious man—just to stay cozy with Merck—is giving kids permission to have sex before marriage. You know things are shady when a politician advocates an STD vaccine and supports the teaching of abstinence in public schools.

It took the Texas legislature months to be persuaded that Perry’s drug mandate was in violation of parents’ civil liberties; i.e., the right to teach their little girls abstinence over protection. No mention was made about a parent’s right to protect his or her child from a greedy corporation bent on using kids as test subjects to turn a profit. Perry’s zeal makes us wonder if he ordered his twentysomething daughter Sydney to be vaccinated with Gardasil. It wouldn’t surprise us to discover he allowed his own child to be an unwitting guinea pig. Then again, it wouldn’t surprise us if he allowed only other parents’ kids to be shot up with the possibly hazardous drug.

Still don’t think Perry is an Asshole? This clenched anus was a staunch defender of Texas’s infamous—and now blessedly defunct— antisodomy law, which he called “appropriate.” Perry tangled with the American Civil Liberties Union over barring homosexuals and their children from the Boy Scouts of America. He rammed through the construction of 11 coalburning power plants, a relatively inefficient energy source that catastrophically pollutes the atmosphere. He also vetoed a bill that would have prevented mentally retarded criminals from being executed in Texas.

Governor Rick Perry doesn’t give a shit about Texans or anybody else. He cares only about his reelection and future retirement fund. Weasel? Scheming liar? Corrupt hypocrite? Sounds like his predecessor, George W. Bush. And we all know how well that worked out.


Roger Stone

Monday, October 13th, 2008
Roger Stone

Roger Stone

Reptilian GOP “strategist” Roger Stone resembles a decrepit Ken doll, but even that dickless chunk of plastic has more humanity. How else do you explain the huge Richard Nixon tattoo between our latest Asshole of the Month’s shoulder blades? No kidding.

Stone bathes in his reputation as an amoral shit who will do anything to get “his people” ahead. As a teenager, he worked with Chuck Colson and Lyn Nofziger (Nixon’s top sleaze buckets) by infiltrating George McGovern’s 1972 Presidential campaign in an attempt to sabotage it.

During Bob Dole’s 1996 campaign, tabloids outed Stone and his big-titted Cuban wife, Nydia, as frequent swingers at New York City’s The Vault and Washington, D.C.’s Capitol Couples. Stone also placed personal ads. Here’s our fave: “INSATIABLE COUPLE…seeks similar couples OR exceptional, muscular single men! She’s 40DD-24-36; he’s 195, trim, blond, muscular…weakness for in-shape guys in uniform— Marines, Navy, Army, Coast Guard, all military.” (Yeah, we bet he does.)

Stone sought studs to fuck his wife “hard and deep.” To take a page from Stone’s playbook: There’s no truth to the rumor that Nydia’s hairy asshole got the same “hard and deep” ramming as that of hubby Roger, and there’s no proof he ever was cornholed. On top of that, we never said what we just said.

Stone denied knowledge of the solicitous ads and then claimed that a photo of him wearing only a towel was from “an amateur bodybuilding contest.” Meanwhile, the grainy Polaroids of his topless, spread-eagled wife were supposedly “from her professional modeling career.” Reporters discovered that the ads had been billed to Stone’s credit card and that the listed post office box had also been in his name. Stone claimed somebody had swiped his credit card—and, apparently, his mail box. Dole’s campaign cut Stone loose, fast.

In 2000, Stone literally caused a riot to disrupt the Bush-Gore recount in Florida’s Miami- Dade County. He hauled in scores of out-of-state Republicans wearing Brooks Brothers suits and had them impersonate outraged Florida voters demanding an end to the recount. This clear-cut act of sabotage ultimately voided the election, dropping it in the laps of the U.S. Supreme Court.

Stone also nursed an ongoing grudge against then-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. The worst dirt he could find was that Spitzer’s dad had loaned his son money. Stone seized on this like a street hustler swallowing a glob of jizz, leaving a foul message on the 83-year-old’s answering machine: “You will be arrested and brought to Albany, and there’s not a goddamn thing your phony, psycho, piece-of-shit son can do about it.”

Investigators proved that the call had come from a phone in Stone’s apartment; plus, the voice was obviously Stone’s. Incredibly, he weaseled out of it, claiming, “I believe this voice tape was doctored” and no doubt created by Spitzer spies. No one in his right mind—or even a Republican— could believe such a colossal pile of bullshit.

Late in 2007, Stone caught wind of a year-long FBI fraud probe designed to uncover financial corruption involving stockbrokers, bankers and politicos of both major parties. Investigators had found connections to the Emperor’s Club, an upscale NYC-based escort service. Stone offered the Feds some juicy gossip: Governor Eliot Spitzer had a fondness for pricey hookers.

Under the direction of the Bush Justice Department, the FBI’s goal suddenly shifted from monetary malfeasance to a sex scandal. The escort service’s clients were listed solely by anonymous ID numbers, so why was it that the only name made public was a Democrat’s— Eliot Spitzer? How many Republicans were on that list? We’ll never know. Roger “Hard and Deep” Stone was back in action.

And where did Stone get his inside dope? From “a social contact in an adult-themed club.” Just imagine: There’s Stone watching while his dusky wife receives a bukkake shower from a half-dozen buck Marines, and somebody whispers, “Eliot Spitzer wears socks when he fucks hookers. Pass it on.”

During this year’s primary campaign, Stone formed a 527—a lobbying group unchecked by federal laws—and named it Citizens United Not Timid. Sure, the name doesn’t make sense, but the acronym is CUNT. Get it? As in “Hillary Clinton is a cunt”? Brilliant. Hey, Roger, if you want jokes, turn to page 96. HUSTLER Humor is a lot funnier than that.

Stone’s cynical motto is “Admit nothing, deny everything, launch counterattack.” We suggest another: “Spread your ass cheeks, twist yourself into a pretzel and fuck yourself.”


Ben Stein

Monday, September 15th, 2008
Ben Stein
Ben Stein

Ben Stein passes snide pomposity off as witty intelligence. Weekly, Fox’s investment show Bulls & Bears hauls out the whining bore to pontificate, and his opinions are remarkable— remarkably wrong-headed. But since Stein has made a living as a pundit for so long, most people assume he must know something. That’s like assuming Sylvester Stallone is a real commando, or Ann Coulter is a real woman.

Audiences were introduced to Stein’s annoying nasal drone when he played the dry-as-dust economics teacher in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. (“Bueller? …Bueller?”) Stein parlayed that into a run as the bland spokesperson for Murine Clear Eyes and as host of Win Ben Stein’s Money, on which he played himself, a petulantly tight-fisted know-it-all.

Stein recently hosted Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, a crude “documentary” defending so-called intelligent design, the idiotic notion that nothing but a personified intelligence could have created the universe. The film’s producers chose Stein because this allegedly educated man does not believe in evolution. So an erudite Jew whores out on a personal level, championing to replace science in schools with a fundamentalist Christian crusade. Isn’t that as crazy as “Jews for Hitler”?

Expelled is only the latest in Stein’s lifelong attempt to undermine his own credibility. He was, after all, a speechwriter for Richard Nixon. When Larry “Wide Stance” Craig was busted for solicitation in a Minneapolis airport men’s room, Fox TV called upon Stein for his “expert” opinion. (Apparently, Fox knows something we don’t about Stein’s bathroom habits.) He referred to the airport police as “Gestapo,” claiming Craig did nothing but tap his foot. Unaccountably, Stein went on to blame the White House for harassing Craig.

Hey, Ben! The Idaho Republican supported every repressive motion Bush crammed through the GOP Congress. As for airport trolling, he confessed.

Big Oil can’t gouge us,” Stein has claimed repeatedly. “It’s just the free market. They’re being watched like hawks every minute by the free market and the Federal Trade Commission. The price of oil is fluctuating like mad lately because there’ve been a lot of refineries that have been shut down.”

Ben, refineries have not been shut en masse since the 1990s. Oil prices don’t “fluctuate”; they go up! And petroleum companies are sucking record profits, underwritten by huge tax breaks and the public financing of oil exploration. Shouldn’t some of that loot come back to the American consumer who pays for it all through taxes and at the pump? Hey, Ben, you’ve written for the Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Do you ever fucking read the papers?

Despite his credentials as a lawyer, historian and economist, Stein’s punditry smacks of hot air at best, or conflict of interest at worst. On shows like Bulls & Bears, Cavuto on Business, etc., Stein and his fellow “pundits” make pronouncements on stocks that are frequently illogical, mistaken or downright uninformed. Nattering about sub-prime loans, Stein dismissed any potential problem—that is, before the debacle sent thousands into foreclosure. As stockholders, these “experts” are often in the gray area of pushing investors to buy stocks that will make the talking heads themselves rich.

As for Expelled, it suggests that “liberals” prevent Intelligent Design proponents from speaking their minds. Stein, who has said he would have titled the movie From Darwin to Hitler, considers Darwinism “a painful, bloody chapter in the history of ideologies” and bizarrely considers evolutionary theory the inspiration for the Holocaust. Why? Because the Nazis twisted the theory into anti-Semitic rhetoric and offered myth as “science,” exactly what Fundamentalist Christians want to do with creationism in U.S. schools.

Expelled claims those dreadful “liberals” are identical to Nazis and Communists because they won’t allow intelligent design into science classes. Hey, Benjy, it’s religion, metaphysics, fairy tales. Call it what you will, but it is NOT SCIENCE! Last year, more than 130 faculty members at Iowa State University signed a statement declaring that supernatural explanations “are not within the scope or abilities of science.”

“When I talk to people who are Darwinists or evolutionists and say ‘How did life begin?’” Stein smugly pronounced, “they have an answer, but it’s a bullshit answer that wouldn’t make sense to a small child.” So does this mean you prefer a bullshit answer that would make sense to a small child—like a white-bearded father creating everything in six days?

Given his bone-headed position on evolution, next time Ben Stein’s supercilious face appears on TV, ask yourself: Would you take a stock tip from this babbling idiot?


John McCain

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

John McCain is a two-faced, senile psycho who’ll say anything to succeed Bush as Führer of America. Principled maverick? Hogwash. The Republican senator from Arizona is a crass horndog who traded his crippled wife for an heiress Barbie doll.

In February 2008, McCain swallowed the Bush/Cheney load of choad and agreed with Dubya and his criminal gang: Waterboarding isn’t torture if we say it isn’t. Hey, you half-witted old goat: It is torture. You know, John, like what the Viet Cong did to you?

On his embarrassing March 2007 press tour of Iraq, McCain took a photo-op stroll through a Baghdad market to show how safe it was—while surrounded by armed troops. He claimed, “General Petraeus goes out there almost every day in an unarmed Humvee.” (Bullshit! Petrauus may be a toady, but he’s no idiot.) McCain said later, “Of course I’m going to misspeak.” That’s refreshing: a politician who tells you upfront he’s a fucking liar.

On that Iraq trip—according to a disturbing story reported by TBRnews.org—two enlisted men found McCain alone in a room, talking to a table. He asked if the soldiers were generals, then said vaguely, “Let’s hope it gets a little cooler here. Have you been here long?”
One soldier replied, “Too long, Senator.”

“Why, that’s good, General,” McCain answered. Then he moved his lips, but said nothing, smiling at the wall. As TBR News reported, a minder quickly hustled the old mumbler away, saying, “The senator has jet lag.” Later the soldiers heard that McCain had “a little accident” and needed to change his pants. And you thought Ronald Reagan was senile?!

Even in public, McCain’s brain is clearly fogged by dementia. In January 2008 he rambled to a crowd, “I was in a conference in Germany over the weekend, and President Putin of Germany gave one of the old Cold War-style speeches.” Hey, Grandpa, Vladimir Putin is a Russian! Russia’s a different fucking place than Germany!

More recently, the pink-faced loon spouted off that Iran has armed and trained al Qaeda operatives. McCain was corrected—on camera—by that malignant dwarf Joe Lieberman. But a day later, McCain reiterated the stupidity. Apparently, those towelheads are all the same to this old coot.

“The thought of [McCain] being President sends a cold chill down my spine. He is erratic. He is hotheaded. He loses his temper, and he worries me.” Did Larry Flynt say that? No, it was U.S. Senator Thad Cochran, a Mississippi Republican who’s known McCain for more than 35 years.

John McCain was one of five senators who stonewalled an investigation into the dealings of right-wing thief Charles Keating, who was ultimately convicted in 1992 of fraud, racketeering and conspiracy. McCain made at least nine flights on Keating’s planes (often to the swindler’s Bahamas vacation home) and pocketed more than $100,000 in campaign contributions for sweeping Keating’s dirt under the rug. “I did it for no other reason than I valued [his] support,” the senator said later. As a result, millions lost their nest eggs in the bankruptcy of the Lincoln Savings and Loan.

Rumors that McCain was banging lobbyist Vicki Iseman may or may not be true, although he clearly ran interference for her telecom clients while he was (ahem) “seeing her.” More ominous is that this “campaign reform” candidate packed his election team with D.C. lobbyists, including Charlie Black, Tom Loeffler, Slade Gorton and Christian Ferry. You don’t recognize the names? You’re not supposed to. These scumdogs work secretly—at least until they’re indicted, like Jack Abramoff.

You’re judged by the quality of your friends. In McCain’s case: George W. Bush, who now endorses McCain after trashing him unmercifully in the 2000 Florida primary.

Karl Rove, the dirty-tricks specialist. “I’ve always admired Karl,” McCain pronounced in March 2008.

The Reverend John Hagee, a whacko Texas evangelist who refers to Jews as Christ-killers.

Joseph Bonanno, alias “Joe Bananas.” In 1995, McCain sent a happy birthday greeting and regrets that he couldn’t attend his pal’s party. Bonanno once headed an East Coast crime family.

In McCain: The Myth of a Maverick, biographer Matt Welch called the Arizona dwarf’s world vision “considerably more hawkish than anything George Bush has ever practiced.” A vote for Insane McCain is a rubber-stamp for continued dictatorship of the elite…or worse. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH-Andrew Rosenthal

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

It’s a pity to watch the New York Times spin down the toilet, with Andy Rosenthal’s hand on the flush lever, but it’s not surprising. He’s the son of longtime Times exec  A.M. Rosenthal, whose schizo combination of liberal thought and conservative cheerleading probably made Andy the baffling, empty person he is today. Andy Rosenthal was anointed editorial page editor after holding various positions at the Times since 1987. With his ascent to the throne, Big Chief Rising Son announced that the stodgy voice of the Establishment would henceforth feature weekly columns by right-wing fruitcake William Kristol, son of neocon windbag Irving Kristol.

This puzzled most Times readers and the editors. The younger Kristol’s hatred of the daily was no secret: He’d damned the so-called liberal newspaper as “irredeemable” and referred to it as part of an “axis of appeasement” because it didn’t support his loony saber-rattling.

In 2006, when the Times uncovered illegal government spying into bank accounts, Kristol bitched, “The Times itself should be prosecuted for this totally gratuitous revealing of an ongoing secret classified program that is part of the war on terror.” (Prosecuted for telling the truth? Brilliant!)

Kristol is just what the world—and the Times—needs: a second-generation reactionary propping up the failed Bush/Cheney clusterfuck in Iraq and at home, not to mention a onetime detractor of the paper.

Defending his new hire, Rosenthal whined, “The idea that the New York Times is giving voice to a guy who is a serious, respected conservative intellectual—and somehow that’s a bad thing. How intolerant is that?” Respected? Every pronouncement that pinhead Kristol has made on the Iraq debacle has been colossally wrong:

•There won’t be civil war after we invade Iraq, because it’s secular and nonreligious (July 2003).

•We’re turning the corner in Iraq (July ’03 again).

•Iraq has not descended into religious and ethnic fighting (September 2003).

•The invasion has not encouraged Islamic nutbars to join a jihad (September ’03 again).

•Iraqi oil production has returned to pre-war levels (March 2004), etc.

Just another manifestation of cronyism. Kristol’s old man was a chum of A.M. Rosenthal, and their sons apparently became pals. Back in Andy’s cub reporter days, Bill Kristol was the chief weasel of then-VP Dan Quayle and no doubt fed biased insider info to buddy Andy.

Kristol fucked up his Times gig right out of the gate. His first essay attributed a quote from conservative moron Michael Medved to fellow conservative moron Michelle Malkin. Apparently, the Times fact-checkers haven’t bothered vetting Kristol’s submissions—since they’d have to rewrite every bullshit claim.

Rosenthal is the captain of the Titanic in a sea of doubt, losing credibility with every edition. Soon the paper won’t even be reliable enough to wrap fish in. For each past success—notably publishing the Pentagon Papers—there’s a dozen recent examples of stupidity and the overstepping of ethical bounds.

There was the Judith Miller boondoggle. The reporter unquestioningly accepted false “leaks” from Republican hawks about Iraq’s supposed weapons of mass destruction, which transformed the Times into a pro-war propaganda machine. Miller was ultimately given the boot.

Then there was Jayson Blair, a shooting star reporter who—it turned out—had plagiarized other writers, made up quotes and drafted endless “on the spot” reports without leaving his desk. Blair resigned, the Times’ reputation irreparably damaged.

During the hotly contested 2008 New Hampshire primary, Maureen Dowd filed a snappy report. Yes sirree, Rosenthal’s ace scribe was right in the middle of the action, describing the heartache and triumph, the tension-filled tally and the surprising outcome. There was her byline and the dateline “Derry, NH,” heart of conservative New England. Except Dowd was in Jerusalem on that very day, trailing George W. Bush on his suck-up trip through the Holy Land.

That’s called a GFE in Journalism 101—Gross Factual Error, the same thing Jayson Blair did. Then again, what’s 5,000 miles between colleagues?

The motto of the New York Times has long been “All the News That’s Fit to Print.” With Andy Rosenthal around, we believe it ought to be changed to “All the News That’s Shit, We Print.”


ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH-Dana Perino

Monday, May 5th, 2008

The attractive mouthpiece for the Bush bandits is an interesting change from the usual spokes-liars. As deputy to the cancer-stricken sleaze Tony Snow, Dana Perino inherited her job as White House press secretary. At least previous stooges like Ari Fleischer were just bald-faced liars (in his case, baldheaded too). But Perino—dubbed “the lying sack of cute” by the Stephanie Miller radio show—has brought a fresh element to the position: boneheaded stupidity.

During a press briefing, a reporter asked Perino to comment on Russian President Putin’s statement that the United States’ proposed missile defense shield in Eastern Europe was “like the Soviet Union putting missiles in Cuba, setting up a Cuban Missile Crisis.”

The neocon Barbie Doll was clueless. “I was panicked a bit because I really don’t know about…the Cuban Missile Crisis,” she admitted later on an NPR talk show. “It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I’m pretty sure.”
Duh! It was the moment when the major superpowers teetered on the brink of worldwide nuclear destruction, you brainless bimbo. You claim to have “minored in history” in college, Dana. What was your major: rimjobs for the teacher?

Did the confused little babe finally look it up in a book? Check Wikipedia? Nah. “I came home, and I asked my husband,” she recalled. “I said, ‘Wasn’t that like the Bay of Pigs thing?’” Businessman Peter McMahon—18 years older and English to boot—apparently knows more about U.S. history than his trophy wife.

Whether or not the rumors are true that Perino is a Washington pass-around, she’s perfect for spewing regurgitated Bush-Cheney shit. At an earlier job, she reportedly hung a Dick Cheney poster on a wall, with that Halliburton zombie in a ten-gallon hat astride a stallion, looking like a bald, fat Marlboro Man. The photo’s angle was from the rear, showing the hind end of both the steed and the rider. There’s an inspiring image: one horse’s ass looking at another horse’s ass atop another horse’s ass.

Perino is equally shitheaded when it comes to the cataclysmic effects of global warming: “I’m sure lots of people would love to ridicule me when I say this, but it is true that many people die from cold-related deaths every winter. And there are studies that say that climate change in certain areas of the world would help those individuals.”

And we’ll all have such great tans when we’re fried by cosmic rays. Fields of corn and wheat blasted into nothingness worldwide by blistering summers? Oh, pooh, who eats that stuff when you can have caviar? Sea levels steadily rising? Look on the positive side. Imagine how much money we can make in new shorefront real estate!

When Bush’s press secretary isn’t spitting out the party line, she repeats nonanswers like a robot in The Stepford Wives whose battery has run down: “I don’t know. … You’re going to have to talk to the State Department about that. … Let me read this to you again. … That could be; I don’t know. … I’ll get back to you on that.”

Perino is a neocon hack to her marrow, even training her dog Henry to do “funny” tricks for special visitors. She’ll ask the purebred mutt, “What do you think of John Kerry?” The pooch will fetch a pair of flip-flops, har-har-har. She’ll ask, “Should Bill Clinton be in jail?” and he obediently barks. Maybe the airhead could train Henry to impersonate the White House press secretary. He could vomit on the rug, then gobble up the puke.

Bush lied repeatedly about when he first read the National Intelligence Estimate proving that Iran had no nuclear weapons program. Perino’s defense? “Okay…the President could have been more precise in that language, but the President was being truthful.” No, Dana, he was lying, you dumb, fucking idiot!
This fervent believer of the neocon myth frequently preambles her whoppers with the phrase “If we take a historical perspective.” Dana Perino knows as much about history as Britney Spears knows about child care. She sidetracked the question of waterboarding by offering the weaselly White House line “Yes, we do interrogate al-Qaeda terrorist suspects, but we do not torture them.”

Well, put this in historical perspective, you ignorant snot: Waterboarding is torture. It was when we held the Japanese accountable after World War II. Hell, it was torture when witch-finders were dunking innocent people hundreds of years ago!

So the question is not “Is Dana Perino a lying idiot?” No, that’s a given. The question is one of degree: “Is Dana Perino as dumb as a bagful of hammers—or dumber?”


ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH: Jonah Goldberg

Thursday, May 31st, 2007


National Review Online
editor Jonah Goldberg has sunk lower than most of the penny-a-dozen conservative commentators polluting TV and cyberspace with insanity and lies. More nauseating than the contents of a stalker astronaut’s diapers, Goldberg is a two-faced war wimp and global-warming justifier.

Goldberg was one of those bloodthirsty ballyhooers who pushed Bush’s wars. In 2003 he wrote: “In the weeks prior to the war to liberate Afghanistan, a good friend of mine would ask me almost every day, ‘Why aren’t we killing people yet?’ And I never had a good answer for him. Because one of the most important and vital things the United States could do after 9/11 was to kill people.”

But of course, armchair general Goldberg doesn’t put his money where his mouth is. When the saber-rattling, yellow-bellied coward is challenged about having never served a single day of his miserable life in uniform, Goldberg replies: “As for why my sorry a** isn’t in the kill zone, lots of people think this is a searingly pertinent question. No answer I could give—I’m 35 years old, my family couldn’t afford the lost income, I have a baby daughter…—ever seems to suffice. But this chicken-hawk nonsense is something that’s been batted around too many times to get into again here.”

We understand why this sniveling, spineless, service-age milksop doesn’t want “to get into” it. Thousands of thirtysomethings are in Iraq, despite their families’ income loss, children they can’t raise, etc. Face it like a man, Goldbrick: You don’t have the balls to fight the wars you promote. Like Dick-less Cheney and all of the other right-wing war wimp blowhards, you have “other priorities.” Besides, it’s been so easy to trick the working class and minorities into fighting for you.

Chicken-hearted chicken hawks like Jonah always chicken out. Now he’s reneging on a wager he offered Middle East scholar Dr. Juan Cole during a February 2005 online debate. Goldberg wrote: “I predict that Iraq won’t have a civil war, that it will have a viable constitution and that a majority of Iraqis and Americans will, in two years time, agree that the war was worth it. I’ll bet $1,000 (which I can hardly spare right now). … [Put your] money where your mouth is, doc. One caveat: Because I don’t think it’s right to bet on such serious matters for personal gain, if I win, I’ll donate the money to the USO.” How noble!

A disgusted Cole declined the bet, calling it symbolic of “the neo-imperial American Right. They are making their own fortunes with a wager on the fates of others, whom they are treating like ants. … [Goldberg is] betting on Iraqis as though they are greyhounds in a race.”
Two years later, now that Goldberg has been proven completely wrong, he refuses to pay up because Cole did not accept his offer. Point well taken—but since the stingy Goldberg would have lost the bet, the decent thing is to contribute $1,000 to the USO anyway.

Jonah is a chip off the old blockhead. His repugnant, scumbag mother, Lucianne Goldberg, has a long history of dirty tricks. She is the literary agent who suggested Linda Tripp secretly tape her phone calls with Monica Lewinsky about the intern’s affair with President Clinton. (Lucianne apparently knows something about White House hanky-panky: In the 1960s, she allegedly fucked both President Lyndon B. Johnson and VP Hubert Humphrey. What a slut!)

During the 1972 Presidential race, Lucianne was supposedly paid $1,000 per week by the Nixon campaign to pose as a reporter and spy on Democratic nominee George McGovern. (Hey, give some of that dough to the USO too!) In 1983, author Kitty Kelley sued Lucianne for breach of contract, winning $40,000. (Sorry, USO!)

Jonah “Goldilocks” Goldberg is nothing if not his mother’s son. Maybe that’s why this mommy’s boy is too scared to fight his own battles in Afghanistan or Iraq. Let’s hope this Asshole gets swallowed by a great right whale soon.


ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH: Gerald Ford

Thursday, May 3rd, 2007

It’s impolite to speak ill of the dead, but for Gerald Ford we’ll make an exception. After his death in December, politicos and pundits lauded the 38th President as “beloved,” a “healer” and “ordinary man” of “integrity.” Columnist David Brooks had the balls to claim Ford’s pardoning of disgraced ex-President Richard Nixon “is now universally celebrated.” Speak for yourself, fuckhead; you’re as wrong about the Nixon pardon as you were (by your own admission) about the Iraq War.

Ford, a Michigan congressman pussywhipped by his alcoholic wife Betty, was appointed Vice President by Nixon after Veep Spiro Agnew pled “no contest” to corruption charges. Facing impeachment for the Watergate scandal, Tricky Dick resigned the Presidency in August 1974. That September, Ford, now President, “grant[ed] a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Richard Nixon for all offenses…” (No wonder Betty drank!)

Apparently a quid pro quo deal, Nixon left office, making Ford President, contingent upon Ford’s using his executive clemency powers to save Nixon’s ass. (We discount Ford’s denial a deal was cut.) Otherwise, Nixon could have faced charges for high crimes and misdemeanors, possibly including: subverting democracy, illegal surveillance and more. Ford was more heel than healer.

“Law and order” advocate Nixon should have been held to the same standard as any other citizen. But Ford’s craven clemency meant there’d be no law and order for Nixon—or justice for America. If convicted, Nixon should have been executed or sentenced to life.

By allowing Nixon to escape scot-free, Ford set a disastrous Presidential precedent. In George W. Bush’s eulogy for Ford, Dubya declared: “[H]e made the tough and decent decision to pardon President Nixon…”

Ford’s exoneration of Nixon didn’t spare us from “our long national nightmare”—the pardon extended it, encouraging future Presidents to believe they’re above the law. Ford’s successors used pardon power to control aides. Ollie North, of the Iran-Contra scandal, kept silent in exchange for Bush Senior’s 1992 pardon. Today, V.P. Cheney is dangling a possible pardon for Scooter Libby to ensure his former chief of staff lies and doesn’t testify against him during Libby’s trial in connection with the CIA leak case.

Bush Junior thinks he can act with impunity, trampling our Constitution, recklessly waging war. Just as Nixon got away with escalating the Vietnam War into Laos and Cambodia, days after Ford’s death, Bush deployed more troops to Iraq, U.S. aircraft bombed Somalia, soldiers attacked Iran’s Kurdistan consulate, and naval forces were dispatched near Iran.

Ford, outshone by his far smarter wife (when she was sober), retained war criminal Henry Kissinger as Secretary of State. After Ford and Kissinger met with Southeast Asian dictator Suharto, Indonesia invaded East Timor, exterminating one-third of its population. Ford also enabled Iraq’s regime to wage a bloody anti-Kurd counterinsurgency.

Ford appointed George H.W. Bush CIA Director and Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney chiefs of staff. (“Scumsfeld” was also defense secretary.) Under Ford, and later Bush Junior, they conspired to solidify a dictatorial imperial Presidency.

Shortly after his death, it was revealed that Ford criticized Bush’s reasons for invading Iraq, plus Rumsfeld and Cheney, but stipulated that his comments could only be released posthumously. The gutless ex-Prez wouldn’t publicly criticize the Bush Administration’s war policies or privately express dismay to Rumsfeld and Cheney. Ford’s silence may have cost countless American and Iraqi lives.

The bumbling moron from Grand Rapids set in motion a nightmarish scenario still playing out today. Decades later, we continue paying for Ford’s legacy and lunacy: unaccountable leadership and the Republican appointees from hell. It’s ironic this nonentity triggered such a devastating chain of events.


larry flynt's book