Larry Flynt

Archive for March, 2013

Greg Gutfeld

Friday, March 29th, 2013

We weren’t sure Fox News’ late-night laxative had what it takes to be worthy of the world’s most feared award. But once we scratched his smarmy surface, we found enough shit to fill ten assholes.

Greg Gutfeld got our attention with his potshots at HUSTLER’s publisher. “Larry Flynt is incapable of hypocrisy because he lacks standards to betray,” Gutfeld wrote in his unreadable Bible of Unspeakable Truths. “[He’s] a man without values who delighted in exposing hypocrisy, but who also admitted to having sex with a chicken. Talk about lack of standards: That chicken’s a skank.”

Gutfeld may be a wiseass stuck at frat-boy stage who’s made a career out of painfully labored jokes, but he’s also a man of mystery. Not a good or cool mystery like who is Batman. More like a what-the-hell-is-that-at-the-bottom-of-the-cesspool mystery.

For starters, what does Greg Gutfeld really believe? This political whore says he abandoned the left because they couldn’t take a joke and can’t be loyal to the right because they hate stuff he likes. Now he’s a mouthpiece-for-hire libertarian. Basically, he’s a guy who spends his life in a losing struggle with irrelevance. He went from driving limp-dick mags like Stuff and Maxim into the ground to hosting a roundtable of fellow failed comedians for middle-of-the-night drunks who pass out on the couch.

As Gutfeld proclaims in his latest mind-number, The Joy of Hate, his new rule is: “Be a jerk.” That’s right. The conservative cause has swirled so far down the drain, the new dictum is “Fuck it, just be a jerk.” How refreshing.  

By his own account, he’s the douche in high school and college who scoffed at anyone trying to make anything better. “The longer I live, the more I’m convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool,” he writes. Guess who the “cool kids” are now. Look out, the “Liberals” are ready to rumble!

The Joy of Hate is a litany of reasons why Gutfeld and his idols (Palin, Limbaugh, Reagan’s corpse) feel picked on. Lefties beat them with the “truncheon of tolerance,” he whines. These imaginary armies of “phony outrage” he dubs the “tolerati.” Guess what, they suffer from a “false sense of victimhood.” Sound familiar? Epic fail Mitt Romney peddled the same “people who believe they are victims” line to historically nonphony effect.

Cursed with his particular political sluttiness, Gutfeld resorts to pretzel logic, like: “Being conservative is a rebellion against predictable rebellion. It’s more daring to be traditional than to subvert tradition.” For him, all outrage—whether about smoking, racism, Tea Partiers or climate change “skepticism”—is just “a place to park your intolerance.” That’s intolerance by the “tolerati” who fetishize tolerance, of course. If you can keep up with that, you’re higher than we are.

When leftists fight for “wussy” causes like social justice and a level playing field, Gutfeld claims, “They don’t really believe that shit—they’re going against their own innate nature because liberalism is anti-man.” He seriously thinks men who fight for things like civil rights and scientific progress are just out to get laid. He calls this fantasy of liberalism for sex a “deal with the devil.” Let’s see if we got this straight: Liberalism is a pussy magnet, but it’s also strictly for “wussies” and losers: “Even with the deck so stacked in their favor,” he writes, “the left still can’t seal the deal. Because their message just doesn’t jibe with the American people.” He wrote this just before Romney had his ass handed to him by Obama in the national election. How was that, again, Greg? What message doesn’t jibe?

In his rant against Occupy Wall Street, Gutfeld writes, nonjokingly: “I will wager that most of the students who were [pepper-] sprayed wouldn’t have traded that moment for a million bucks.” They were in it for the extra credit, bragging rights and “later, a job in media or academia.” Besides, he says, being pepper-sprayed is no big deal; “the discomfort fades fast.” Okay, Greg, prove it. Take a shot right in the face. We’ll give you extra credit.

Then there’s that other mystery: Is he gay or isn’t he? Gutfeld’s love-hate relationship to mutual man love is one of the saddest parts of his bowel-like psyche. He says he likes gay marriage, but tosses his dickhead fan base a bone by comparing it to marrying your dog. Been done, Greg.

Obsessively spouting quips about groping houseboys and banging his male guests, our A-hole comes off like a cartoon version of an unouted, homophobic Republican. (Is it a coincidence the poor kid was reared in “a Jesuit-Catholic all-boys high school?”)

Gutfeld’s apparent gay subtext, it turns out, is actually one of his running gags: As he divulges in The Joy of Hate, his secret-life schtick is a game he dreamt up with fellow ex-lefty Andrew Breitbart to see if foes would “resort to calling me a homosexual.” As for us, we couldn’t care less where he sticks his dick, unless it’s in S.E. Cupp and somebody took photos. Come to think of it, Greg, you could prove your hetero cred by sending us shots of you putting it to your hot beard, Elena Moussa. (Can’t promise we won’t Photoshop you out.)

Making crapola claims like “I’ve never met more tolerant people than Texans,” he seriously says if you’re a “gay cross-dressing cowboy,” you should enforce that tolerance with a shotgun. So, in other words, if you demand respect verbally, you’re “tolerati,” but letting two barrels do the talking is okay. We can only hope Greg starts messing with gay black Texans.

His take on race is just as twisted. He quotes a friend of his, saying “the only people hurt by racism these days are the racists.” Seriously? Tell that to the black kid on Staten Island beaten with a pipe and the teenage girl shot to death in L.A.—just two out of hundreds of recent hate crimes.

We could go on about his endless crap—all of which is a big rimjob for boss Roger Ailes—but we’re already bored of Gutfeld and his stale humor. He’s the kind of wad that probably thinks being called Asshole of the Month is an honor. We created it, Greg, so take it from us: It’s not.


Don’t Let Your Face Turn You In

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

The science fiction I used to read years ago was only mildly adventurous and rather amusing compared to our government’s real-life bag of tricks. Did you know that high-tech wizardry is making us instantly and suspiciously recognizable to Big Brother?

Brace yourself for “FBI’s Facial Recognition Is Coming to a State Near You,” a chilling report by the Electronic Frontier Foundation. That digital watchdog group is the most alert and knowledgeable protector of what’s left of our individual liberties, which have been imperiled by the government’s systematic target-killing of the Constitution. By expanding its Next Generation Identification program (NGI), the FBI now has a “massive biometrics database that combines fingerprints, iris scans, palm prints, facial recognition and extensive biographical data collected from over 100 million Americans.”

Just imagine the reactions of Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and Patrick Henry if they could have foretold that the nation they were founding would eventually have a government keeping close track of almost one-third of its citizens. Without a doubt, many more millions are destined to be added to what promises to be ever-growing databases. I expect Jefferson would have torn up the Declaration of Independence he’d drafted in 1776 as a prelude to starting another revolution.

The Electronic Frontier Foundation discloses that in its surge to make NGI more wide-ranging, “the FBI is developing ‘Universal Face Workstation software’ to allow states that don’t have their own ‘Face/Photo search capabilities’ to search through the FBI’s images.”

Now dig this: You don’t have to be arrested or even “a person of interest” to be in this FBI gallery, which I’m convinced will be open to searches by all other law-enforcement and intelligence agencies.

As the EFF notes: “This suggests the FBI wants to be able to search and identify people in photos of crowds and in pictures posted on social media sites—even if the people in those photos haven’t been arrested for or even suspected of a crime. The FBI may also want to incorporate those crowd or social media photos into its face-recognition database.”

Why not? To the FBI, anyone in those photos may be thinking of committing a crime someday against national security. When the time comes for them to be busted, there they’ll be!

Perhaps you believe all this data-collecting for facial recognition is being done only here at home. The Electronic Frontier Foundation knows better: “The FBI already has information-sharing relationships with 77 countries,” and its Criminal Justice Information Services “is now trying to partner with ‘Visa Waiver Program countries’ like Ireland, Spain and Australia to allow automatic access to each other’s biometric databases on a ‘hit/no hit basis.'”

I wholeheartedly agree with the EFF’s conclusion that “the time is right for laws that limit face-recognition data collection.”

What’s long overdue are laws prohibiting the various forms of FBI, National Security Agency and CIA dragnet surveillance I’ve reported here. But neither Democratic Presidents nor Democratic-majority Congresses have done anything remotely substantial. Nor have Republicans. Nor is there any credible evidence that President Obama and the current Congress will do a damn realistic thing about this during the commander in chief’s second term.

I’ve already warmed my imagination by picturing how our Founding Fathers would have acted. But I see no prospects of citizens seized by a passionate knowledge of American history putting sustained pressure on Congress to wipe the FBI’s facial-recognition program off the statute books.

What has happened to this nation conceived and nurtured by the Declaration of Independence? Astonishingly, citizen passivity continues to mount. In my book Free Speech for Me—But Not for Thee, I quoted Ronald Reagan: “We’ve got to do a better job of getting across that America is freedom—freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of enterprise. And freedom is special and rare. … If we forget what we did, we won’t know who we are. I’m warning of an eradication of the American memory that could result, ultimately, in an erosion of the American spirit.”

Where is the American spirit while the White House and Congress treat our “guaranteed” Constitutional liberties like garbage?


Entitlements Are A Right

Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

Every time the federal government can’t get its fiscal house in order, we start hearing about entitlement reform. Republicans in particular like to use that word entitlement because it sounds like somebody’s getting benefits they don’t deserve. Nothing makes the hardworking Joe angrier than people who think they’re “entitled” to something.

Don’t believe the bull. Those so-called entitlements include benefits that Americans worked hard for: Medicaid, housing assistance, student grants, food programs, child care, job training, and more. These programs make up the social safety net that keeps the middle-class backbone of our economy strong in tough times.

The only reason politicians on the corporate leash want to slash needed expenditures like these is to protect the huge wealth imbalance that lets the rich get richer while everybody else pays. Instead of extracting the last few cents from the needy, we need to clamp down on greed.

Yes, I’m wealthy, but I remember what it was like to be a regular guy sweating for every dollar. And I know that most people aren’t going to get rich no matter how hard they work. That doesn’t mean the government shouldn’t keep up its end of the bargain. A 21st-century nation that lets its citizens slide into poverty and deprives its children of opportunity is taking a backward approach to history.

Don’t buy the right-wing, Tea Party nonsense that “entitlements” are a luxury we can’t afford. They’re a legal right and necessary for a civilized America.




Larry Flynt


FROM THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER: Larry Flynt’s Wild Life: Porn, Politics and Penile Implants

Tuesday, March 12th, 2013

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25 years after his landmark Supreme Court win over Jerry Falwell, the Hustler magnate opens up about plans to out a closeted GOP congressman, his sex life at 70 and the future of his empire.

Larry Flynt sits by the window of his sleek, black-and-gold G4 jet, with the letters “LFP” (for Larry Flynt Publications) painted on the tail, gazing out on the world 41,000 feet below, lost in thought.

Just getting here has been a mammoth task. Earlier, Flynt’s black Bentley (with a vanity license plate that reads “HUSTLR”) pulled up beside the plane at an airport in Van Nuys, Calif.; two pilots and a bodyguard eased the 70-year-old out of the car and into a specially designed, miniature wheelchair, before lifting him up the stairs (with a gold-plated ramp) and into his seat, while his regular, $17,000 gold-plated wheelchair was placed in the hold.

(For full article click here)


Ann Coulter Comic

Tuesday, March 5th, 2013


larry flynt's book